What You Get For Giving Up
by Calliope6
Summary: Waya's been feeling like crap lately despite all his recent success. Wallowing in self pitty one Sunday, Isumi pays him an unexpected visit. Talking a while, Waya finally figures out that the life he gave up for Go is nothing comparied to what he gained.


What You Get For Giving Up  
  
-a Hikaru no Go fan fiction by Calliope-  
  
Message:   
  
I haven't writen a fic in ages! And it was due time! Well, acctually, this was a horrible time ^^, I have WAY too much work to do! But oh well, I NEEDED to write, and this is what happened.   
  
Summery:  
  
Waya's been feeling like crap lately despite all his recent success. Wallowing in self pitty one Sunday, Isumi pays him an unexpected visit. Talking a while, over candy and crisis, Waya finally figures out that the life he gave up for Go is nothing compared to the one he gained.   
  
Warning: Waya x Isumi shounen-ai  
  
******  
  
  
  
Isn't quitting an option? Isn't failure immanent? I mean, I can't keep this up forever can I? I'm used to ups and downs, but this up has gone on too long and I don't even wanna THINK about the down.   
  
"GOD FORBID WAYA FAIL!" I shouted out loud to myself, mocking my sensei's tone of voice as I sat in front of my Go board going over and over and over my own games.  
  
But I couldn't concentrate anymore.  
  
I found myself thinking about this girl I used to know named Yuka. When I first started the Insei program she'd been the closest thing I'd ever had to a girlfriend. She was so cute and I'd liked her so much, but once I became and Insei, I never had time to see her anymore. She'd call me and visit when she could, but, eventually she disappeared from my life completely and I, in turn, forgot about her.   
  
Yet, just the other day I'd seen her outside this new restaurant I was meeting Isumi at. She was just as pretty as I'd remembered, only more so. She'd greeted me emphatically, with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, still calling me Yoshitaka-kun the way she always had - almost as if all those years hadn't passed at all.   
  
She'd smiled, in that angelic way I remembered so well, as she introduced me to her boyfriend. She clung to his arm so lovingly as we talked, and we parted shortly after - disappearing from each others lives again, like nothing more then deja vu.  
  
Seeing Yuka then, for those few brief moments reminded me though - of all the things this path in life had kept me from. Go was my life - not girlfriends or parties or work or socializing. My life wasn't about worrying about which university I was going to, or entrance exams, or cram school. It wasn't about being stood up, or being let down - it wasn't about heartbreak or romance, and it definitely wasn't about love. Not like Yuka was in love.   
  
My love was for Go. My heartbreak was over losing. My exams were for my status. Waya, four-dan, not "Waya, my awesome boyfriend", "Waya, my friend from school", or even "Waya, this guy I met the other day". I'm always gonna be, Waya, four-dan, player of Go and boy with no life.  
  
(Great, I'm feeling whiney and sorry for myself now. Yay.)  
  
I scowled as I pushed around the Go stones with my fingers, disarranging my formations and nudging them one by one off the edge of the board as though I were marching them off a cliff to some sort of immanent doom. "Go", in English it means "to move forward", but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.   
  
Couldn't I just give up now? I REALLY don't feel like doing this anymore.  
  
"I AM WAYA FOUR-DAN! AND THE BIGGEST FREAKIN' LOSER HERE!" I shout to no one in particular as I threw up my arms and flop back onto the floor, groaning as though it's my way of calling it quits.  
  
"Glad you could point that out."  
  
"AH!" I kick my feet forward to sit myself up, startled at the sound of a voice other then my own.  
  
"Keep on talking to yourself and I'm gonna have to start calling you Shindo."  
  
"Ha, ha, very funny Isumi!" I scowled at him as he stood in my doorway, hands in his pockets and an amused grin on his face.  
  
"You know, you shouldn't just leave your door open, you never know who's gonna show up. I mean, look at you, you're hardly dressed to impress my friend." he snickered, as he walked in, shaking his head at me.  
  
"What's wrong with this?!?" I laughed at him with a cocky grin. "It's Sunday casual." I explain as I get to my feet and spun around as if to show off some fancy outfit - which in this case is nothing by my boxer shorts and socks.  
  
"You expect me to believe you've got nothing better to do then just sit around in your underwear and play Go? You're acting like an old man Waya." he teases me as he knelt down across the Go board from me.   
  
"Yeah well, I guess we can't all be as amazing and wonderful as 'ISUMI-SENSEIIII!!'." I squealed in a girlish voice, clasping my hands to my chest, and batting my eyelashes, mockingly. Isumi had taken on a few female students in his spare time, but there were more like a fan club then students - fallowing him from game to game whenever they were aloud.  
  
"Hey, shut up you! I know what you're thinking!" he groaned, grinning at me as he threw a Go stone at my head.  
  
"HEY! Watch it! Those are glass!" I laugh, as he misses me by like, half a foot.   
  
"Quit whining you pansy!" he laughed back at me, jumping to his feet and grabbing me in a headlock.  
  
"HEY! HEY! HEY! No fair Isumi!" I try to complain through my laughter as he whipped me back and forth, digging his fingers into my side and tickling me.  
  
I loved this Isumi.   
  
Don't get me wrong, I loved him before too - but, ever since he'd come back and become a pro and joined us where he really belonged - he'd changed. Almost as though I'd finally managed to infect him with a little bit of my personality. He was so much more relaxed and laid back now a days. He used to be so calm and serious. That was nice too, I'm not saying it wasn't. But Isumi wasn't averse to playing with me now - we could just fool around and be stupid - and still be serious when we had to be.   
  
"Go get a hair cut damn it!" he laughed at me as he threw me to the floor.  
  
"Not until you cut you damn bangs!" I pointed up at him as he pushed his long dark hair out of his eyes, as usual.   
  
"You REALLY want me to?" he inquired, sitting down again as he caught his breath.   
  
"Nah." I shook my head, as I tried to repress my laughter. He knew I didn't want him to change, not even his hair.  
  
"Damn it, you smell like sugar." he shook his head, as he rubbed his nose - Isumi had always been sensitive to strong smells and I had to laugh.  
  
"Hehehe! I was eating the centers out of Easter chocolates this morning with chopsticks!" I explained, demonstrating with my hands.  
  
"What the hell, it's no where near Easter!"  
  
"I know I know! But in the states they start endorsing Easter right after Vanenties day, so my cousin sent me over a ton of great candy!!!" I explained, sounding supremely over excited. I love candy, sugar, chocolate, anything sweet like that. It's probably my favorite thing next to sushi. I crawled across the floor and under my bed, reaching my arm out towards the back wall and pulled out an old shoe box.   
  
"Got it!" I grinned, sliding it across the floor in Isumi's direction.   
  
"What the hell?" Isumi looked at me funny, picking up the box.  
  
"Mom comes over some times, she hates me eating this stuff!" I beamed, feeling really hyped, or just really sugar filled, I didn't know which.  
  
I pulled the lid off and Isumi shook his head at me, as I poured the contents onto my floor.  
  
"What are you gonna do with this much candy?"  
  
"Eat it! What else!?!" I laughed.  
  
"Now?!"  
  
"Why not! Isumi's here! We'll call it a special occasion!" I laughed, laying down on my stomach in front of him.  
  
"I think you're a freak you know that?" Isumi shook his head at me again, smiling as he laid down in front of me while I rooted threw my sugar filled stash.  
  
"Yeah well," I shrugged, "I don't wanna think about Go right now, and I don't much feel like going out and getting drunk so, I figure I'll just eat sugar till my brain explodes or something."  
  
"Oh, cuz that makes all kinds of sense." Isumi sighed.   
  
"Does in my world."  
  
"Yeah well, you haven't seemed to excited lately when I see you at the games." he pointed out, as I tore into a package of chocolates with my teeth.  
  
"Mah," I shrug again, "if it's possible to get sick of Go, then I am."  
  
"Woah." Isumi looks at me wide-eyed - as if I'd just told him I was quitting or something.  
  
"WHAT!?!?! Can't I be sick of it for a while???"  
  
"Hehe, sure you can," he smiled at my defensiveness, "it's just, you of all people? I mean, you've been totally hard-core these last few months. Even Touya was saying you're doing incredible. You're on a real winning streak right now Waya."  
  
"I know, I know!" I shook my head, as I snapped a fist full of strawberry Pocky sticks in half. "But it's not gonna last forever you know!"  
  
"So? Can't you just enjoy it while you can?"  
  
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" I groaned childishly, as I rolled over on to my back, munching on Pocky and attempting to ignore the topic any further.  
  
"You're one odd guy you know that Waya?" Isumi told me, as he shuffled over to me. One elbow on either side of my head and chin in his hands, he looked down at me with an odd little smirk.  
  
"Oh, and YOU'RE so perfect Isumi!"  
  
"Didn't say I was."  
  
"Yeah well -" I sighed, looking up into his bright, calm, eyes, "- maybe I did."  
  
"You think so huh?" he smiled.  
  
"Yeah well! You became a pro after me, and yet you're still beating me now!" I pointed out.  
  
"That's bad?"  
  
"Well, um, no." I said, thrown off a little.  
  
"Thanx Waya." he smiled again.  
  
Damn him - he always looked so mature, even when he was playing around with me. It was like having an older brother almost - someone wiser and more mature then me, around to keep me in line and tell me when enough was enough. He was always telling me I was childish, and poking fun at me. Not in a mean way mind you. He treated me as if it was cute. I wasn't trying to be cute, I was just being me! But I guess that makes me cute then. However, I WAS stuffing my mouth with sour, candy, hearts at the moment - so I guess that made him right - I was just being childish.   
  
I didn't even notice we were staring at each other until I bit my lip and snapped back to reality.   
  
"Owww! Damn it!" I sniveled, as Isumi covered his mouth to keep from laughing at me.  
  
"Have I told you lately you're an ideot?" he asked.  
  
"Ha, ha, ha Isumi!" I scowled at him, as I lifted my fingers to my lip to check for blood.   
  
He just smiled and shook his head like he always did. I knew he thought I was a moron, but he hadn't left me yet, so, I guess that meant he could stand it. He put up with a lot of crap from me. I mean, you should have seen me when he left that one time - I was totally mad at him, but I cried about it too. I mean, my feelings about Isumi are complicated, just like I know his are for me, but he deals with me as best he can. I'm not as sensitive as he is, or maybe I am more then he is - it's hard to tell. I'm more easy to set off, but Isumi's better at dealing with things. Even now, he's so calm and collected, and here I am being an immature little whiner about my success at Go of all things, not to mention my inability to deal with life. He really was better then me.  
  
"Isumi?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"How do you put up with me?" I asked, not really thinking about what I was asking.  
  
"Huh?" he looked as though I'd caught him off guard.  
  
"I mean, you're so much more mature then me, how do you stand it? You have friends your own age, why do you hang around with me so much?"  
  
"Oh? And here I thought we were best friends. What? You want me to leave you alone?"  
  
"What! No way!" I blurt out, as if the idea alone was horrific. "We totally are!"  
  
"Hehe, well, I wasn't planning to go anywhere. Don't worry about it."  
  
"But -"  
  
"How do I stand you?" he restated, "Cuz I like you that's how."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"What'd you mean 'That's it', isn't that reason enough?" he smiled, leaning on his right hand and looking down at me with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"Well - yeah, but -" I began again, looking away from him, unsure of where I was going with this.  
  
"See? That's what I like about you. You don't even think before you open your mouth do you?" he laughed, and I looked back up at him, a little annoyed that he thought I was flighty or something. "You're not like me Waya," he went on, "you're spontaneous. You don't think about things so hard that they just get more complicated."  
  
"But, I think about things!" I defended my intelligence.  
  
He just kept on laughing at me as I scowled at him.  
  
"It's not like I think you're unintelligent Waya." he explained, knowing just what I was thinking. "I'm just saying you're better at living life then me. You do things like they mean something."  
  
"But, you do too Isumi."  
  
"Nah, it's not the same."  
  
"Why not? You're so good at everything you do, just like at Go." I pointed out, feeling bad that he was putting himself down at the same time as he was building me up.  
  
"But it just comes naturally to me. I work for it, but not like you do. You do well at Go because you work so hard."  
  
"But -" I was looking up at him with total concern, and he sighed when he saw the expression on my face.  
  
"You don't have to work hard to be the person you are though Waya. Being your fun, energetic self comes so easy to you. You're good with people, and good with life. But those are the things that I have to work at. I'm not comfortable with anyone but you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
We were staring again. I searched his eyes for something to understand, but I couldn't find it - even the simple things about Isumi could be complicated.  
  
I felt his free hand against my temple and his fingers running back through my hair as he looked down at me. I sighed, as a relieved smile crossed my face. There really wasn't any reason why I had to figure him out. I could just like him the way he was - understanding or not. He didn't care if I knew the secrets of the universe. He didn't care if I kept up my winning streak at Go. He didn't care if I didn't have a perfect life, or a reason to exist outside of Go.   
  
I closed my eyes as he ran his fingers gently across my forehead, brushing my unruly bangs aside. I was so content to just lay there - I could have never gotten up. And then I felt his hands around my face, and I opened my eyes to look up at him looking back down at me. I loved him like that.   
  
"Isumi." I said his name aloud for no reason at all as I stared up at him.  
  
He leaned down and I closed my eyes tight, not knowing what I was expecting. Then I felt his lips brush my forehead gently, fallowed by the sounds of him getting to his feet.  
  
"Isumi!" I rolled over and jumped to my feet as he headed toward the door.  
  
"Yeah?" he asked, still smiling as though it were perfectly normal.  
  
"Do you - have to go?" I asked uneasily, my heart for some reason beating as if I'd just run a mile.  
  
"Yeah, I think I'd better." he nodded, turning his back to me.  
  
"Wait!" I ran over to him, and her turned back to me again.  
  
"Really?" I asked again.  
  
I looked up at him. He was so much taller then me - and older then me, and smarter then me, and more mature then me, and more talented then me, and better then me - all these thought about the things that made him more then me running threw my head as he stared back at me. I was wide eyed, trying to think of a reason to make him stay. I moved my lips but words weren't coming out.  
  
He shook his head a little, and stepped back toward me. He reached out and grabbed me by my hands - my right fist still clenched around a bag of candy which I dropped to the floor, causing them to clink and bounce against the hardwood as if they were marbles.  
  
"Isumi!" I pulled away from his hands only to throw myself at him.   
  
He hesitated a moment before closed his arms around me as I clasped my arms around his back - burying my face into his shoulder.  
  
There were no uncertainties with him. I never thought twice about things with him. With Isumi things were always right, definite, and for sure. He was way more then just a brother figure. I loved him like this, cuz, I really did love him. I hated it when he left me because he took a part of me with him. He was an extension of myself, he kept me in line cuz I couldn't do it myself. He motivated me cuz I couldn't do it alone. I didn't have to be "Waya, somebodies anything", I could just be "Waya", no matter what that meant at the time.  
  
His hands were warm against my bare skin as I pulled him tighter against myself. I didn't feel awkward in the least - it felt like, this was where I was meant to end up. This was why I wasn't with Yuka - cuz I was meant for something better - I just didn't know it at the time.   
  
"Waya?" his voice almost startled me and I let go of him reluctantly and stepped back.  
  
"Isumi."  
  
"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to -"  
  
"No! It's ok!" I assured him, shaking my head. I knew he was feeling as though he'd done something wrong, I could tell by his expression.  
  
"I should go -"  
  
"No! Please!" I stopped him again.  
  
"Waya I -" he started again.  
  
I didn't want him to brush this off, it wasn't nothing, and I didn't want him to feel guilty about it.  
  
Then, it was just me being spontaneous again. Not thinking before I did things - just like he said. But I knew I had to.   
  
I was on my tiptoes, arms wrapped around his neck, pressing my lips to his. Hoping like heck that I knew what I was doing. He'd tensed at first - but his shoulders relaxed, and his arms were around me again before I let his lips leave mine.   
  
"You taste like sour, chocolate Pocky." he smiled at me as I looked back up at him, running my tongue across my bottom lip as I smiled.  
  
"And you don't even like Pocky." I laughed.  
  
"Hey, we all learn to like things." he told me, as he leaned forward again, resting his forehead against mine.   
  
"You're SURE you've got to go?" I asked again in a childish tone of voice, leaning into him more as his grip around my bare waist tightened.   
  
"Not if you're sure you don't want me to."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure." I nodded, turning my face up again, so our lips could meet. He even kissed me like he understood me. I didn't know if my mouth was tingling from sour sugar or from the intense feeling of his lips on mine - and it didn't matter one bit.   
  
I wanted to be kissing him forever now. Forget Go, this was my new obsession.  
  
*******  
  
The End 


End file.
